Oh, the joy of having friends and family come to stay in your home — spending hours reminiscing about good times, cooking delicious meals together, washing four times the normal amount of dishes, wondering if they will ever go to bed, and finding all of the towels on the floor in the guest bathroom. Welcoming others into your home can quickly turn into a stressful event without some careful planning. There are ways to be the hostess with the mostess without developing a psychosis
Keep it real
The key is to keep a hold on reality when practicing hospitality. Dr. Paul Hokemeyer has a practice specializing in marriage and family counseling based in New York City. He maintains that the ideal amount of time for a stay is "three days and two nights. Anything over a week will be too exhausting and stressful for everyone — host and guest. It is best to minimize the disruption of everyone's lives."
Advertisem*nt
Although three days and two nights is the ideal visit, Hokemeyer admits that when guests are coming from a great distance, the stay may have to be extended. When the visit is longer, more care has to be taken to reduce stress.
Having enough space for guests is an important consideration. If you only have space for two, only invite two people. Sarah Garlik, a spokeswoman for Del Webb active adult communities, notes that adults who are downsizing still want visitors. "They no longer have kids at home but they still want to have space for when the family comes to visit," she says.
Advertisem*nt
This was important for Mich and Mary Ellen Barbezat who live in the Del Webb Edgewater Community in Elgin. They chose a home with a first floor master bedroom and bath and a second floor, which has a loft area, bedroom and bathroom — perfect for visiting family and friends. "We have sleeping quarters that are completely separate. It is great for guests," says Mich.
When guests are staying for several days, Hokemeyer recommends being clear about expectations. "Your guests can't read your mind," he says.
For example, they need to be told which bathroom and towels to use and where to put their coats. If you want them to take off their shoes before walking on the white carpet, let them know. Think about the offers you make to your guests. Don't tell them to "help yourself to anything in the kitchen," and then be disturbed when they finish off the last piece of cake.
"If you spell it all out ahead of time, everyone feels more comfortable and you will be able to end the visit as friends," says Hokemeyer.
Plan ahead
Plan out meals in advance if possible to avoid last minute trips to the grocery store or stressful conversations about "what do you want to eat?"
Naperville resident Pat Papini makes and freezes dishes and treats that can be thawed when guests arrive so she can spend time with them instead of her pots and pans. She will be having her three children and their families stay with her for a week this coming Christmas so she is trying a new approach.
"I am having each family own one meal — one meal that they have to shop for, prepare and clean up," she says. Sharing meal responsibilities is a great way to reduce stress.
Also relieving stress is noting that it's not necessary to party hearty the whole time the guests are in your home.
Advertisem*nt
"A common mistake for hosts is that they feel they need to be entertaining all of the time," says Hokemeyer. "There really needs to be a balance between together time and autonomy."
Hosts also do not need to accompany their guests everywhere. If the guests would like to go clubbing in the city, hosts shouldn't feel obligated to go with them. Even though the guests are on vacation, the host might have to get up for work the next day.
Encourage the guests to go where they wish to go, offer to take them to the train and give them a key to get back into the house. If the visit is an extended one, some time apart might be beneficial. The important thing is to talk about plans for the visit and come up with a schedule that is not too disruptive to your lifestyle.
Finally, recognize that although the house was tidy when guests arrive, it isn't going to stay that way. Instead of trying to keep everything looking perfect, accept a little clutter. After all, your guests came to see you, not Martha Stewart.
"So my house is a wreck for a week when everyone is here," says Papini. "You get to spend time with your babies with their babies. Just let go and enjoy."
