Hi Anna! I read your column in the RedEye every week! I have never been one to go for online dating, I’m just not into it. However, my sister is on Tinder and matched with a guy she thought would be perfect for me. She asked if she could give him my number, and I said sure. So he texted me, and we went out for dinner. That was about two months ago, and we’ve been on several dates since then and text on a regular basis. I’ve been to his apartment, and he’s been to mine. We’ve kissed and made out a few times, but no sex. I am not seeing other people, but he says we are not exclusive, which I am fine with. I’ve never dated anyone before or had a boyfriend. I am hoping you can help me figure out what to call this guy. I don’t think we are boyfriend/girlfriend, but I do think we are more than friends. Friends with benefits doesn’t quite fit because we don’t make out on a regular basis (I’m not a very physical person). I know I can use the phrase “the guy I’m dating,” but I would like to find a noun, a one-word, concise term I can use in conversation with my friends and family. I look forward to your advice!
—The Girl He’s Dating
Dear TGHD,
I was in a similar situation a few years ago with a gal I was dating. I very much wanted to be her “girlfriend,” but she was in no place to offer me that. Yet, we spent most of our time together, had lots of sex, went on both proper and casual dates, etc. She even met my father.
I kept pressing the issue—our time together spanned about five months—”What do I call this? What do I call you?” I asked her again and again.
“You’re my sweetheart,” she finally said. And it worked. It was both intimate and yet somehow chaste, as if we were moments away from getting a malted at the sock hop.
That word might feel too intense for your situation, in which case, here are some other suggestions. Lindsay King-Miller, from the fantastic advice column (and now book) “Ask a Queer Chick,” coined the term “umfriend,” for when you’re in the in-between, not-totally-sure-what-to-call-it dating space. As in, “He’s my, um, friend.”
You might also refer to him as something more detached, like my “plus-one,” “prospect” or literally, like, “This is my date.” Some prefer the tongue-in-cheek “not-boyfriend.” You can be coy (“fancy friend”) or a bit crass (“makeout buddy”) or cheesy (“this is my luvvah”) or even snobbish/fake-French. (“Oh, Steve? He’s just my au courant.”) They’ll probably be too impressed to even ask what it means (well-informed or fashionable, for the record). A Twitter follower also threw out the Bavarian word gspusi, which means lover/affair.
One of my exes referred to me as “the writer” when we first started dating, which I very much enjoyed. This may not work if he’s, like, an insurance adjustor, but then again, maybe it will. “This is Steve, my adjustor.”
Women often nickname dudes they’re dating by using characteristics that stand out about them. You could employ this strategy to come up with a term that suits you, as long as it’s not mean-spirited or long-winded. Hipster Dad? Lumberjack? Almost Boo? Person of Interest?
If all else fails, never underestimate the power of referring to a dude by his name when introducing him. “This is Steve.” It works, it’s simple, it’s uncomplicated, just like Steve.
RedEye Readers: Is there a term you prefer? What do you call your paramours? Your partners in crime? Your sex friends?
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email redeyedating@gmail.com. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.
