Are you and your partner drifting apart? Is communication with your spouse a struggle? Do you often feel like ships passing in the night or “my spouse doesn’t get me”? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, you may need to seek help.Emotional distanceis toxic to relationships.Emotional intimacyis the bedrock of a great relationship. You can learn how to build emotional intimacy with your partner.
What is emotional intimacy? (And why it matters so much)
When you connect deeply with your partner by expressing your feelings and sharing your vulnerabilities, you are experiencing emotional intimacy.Sharing your deepest thoughts and emotions with your partner is, for many couples, one of the most rewarding aspects of their relationship.
Emotional intimacy fosters trust and a profound sense of security within your relationship. Having emotional intimacy means that you will feel close to your partner, and emotionally connected and supported. In a marriage with emotional intimacy, you can let your guard down (be vulnerable), and share with your spouse your fears, hopes, and dreams. When you and your partner are emotionally intimate, you can be fully yourself.
In a relationship with emotional distance, you are more likely to feel lonely or resentful. You are less likely to feel trust, love, safety, or support.
Emotional intimacy is not the same as sexual intimacy.No matter how good your sexual experiences, when emotional intimacy is absent the relationship will suffer. The good news is that as a couple builds emotional intimacy, their sex life tends to become more satisfying.
Emotional intimacy is not the same as sexual intimacy. But, it can make the sex better.
We need emotional intimacy.As humans, we are hard-wired for connection. Emotional intimacy brightens our mood by activating feel-good neurotransmitters: oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin. Intimacy can even extend our life expectancy.
Your marriage is not the only one to struggle with emotional distance (why intimacy so often erodes)
If we don’t nurture intimacy, emotional distance tends to grow. Some couples may have never achieved intimacy. Other couples find that emotional intimacy erodes with time.More and more often, I hear from clients :
“I love my husband and I know he loves me but I need to feel his closeness much more often and I do not know how to make that happen.”
What erodes intimacy?
- Communication problems – if you and your partner don’t share your feelings, you are likely to feel emotionally distant. Without communicating you won’t feel understood!
- Conflict – ongoing conflicts are intimacy killers. It is not easy to feel vulnerable or open when you feel angry, resentful, or unappreciated.
- Life gets in the way – childcare, work deadlines, and your other obligations can leave feeling that you just don’t have the time to connect.
- Baggage that we bring into the relationship – difficult childhood experience, trauma, and behaviors that we might be modeling from our own parents might be getting in the way of our building intimacy.
You can build emotional intimacy into your relationship
Emotional intimacy in a relationship doesn’t just happen spontaneously. Building and maintaining emotional intimacy takes time. Be patient with your partner and with yourself. Luckily, developing that intimacy can be quite a bit of fun.
Plan for intimacy.Sometimes, as a couple, we need to deal with a pressing issue (like when Junior is trying to use the lawnmower to cut his little brother’s hair). By blocking out set times we can create a space where intimacy can grow. It may even be as simple as a brief check-in during the day or scheduling a Sunday morning brunch around the kitchen table. The harder it is to set aside time for just the two of you, the more important it is that you do it.
Big intimacy is built from small moments.Small moments of just being together can add up to deep emotional intimacy. Go for those short breaks together. Lasting intimacy is not built from grand gestures.
It took us a year to be an overnight success.
– James Daly
Celebrateyour partner and your relationship. Tell your partner what you value about them and about the relationship. Everybody likes to feel appreciated and loved.
Be open. Talk about your feelings. Explain what you need from the relationship.
Be accepting of challenges.All relationships will have highs and lows, all of us bring our history to our life together, and all of us have demands on our time outside our relationship as a couple. It is okay to deal with challenges as they come and as you find your way to deeper levels of intimacy.
Learn to listen to each other.You both need to be heard. Everyone wants to be heard! If you often find yourself fighting instead of communicating, consider getting some help learning to hear each other.
In order toregain loveand friendship in your relationship, it is time to start working on and developing healthy communication skills.
Getting help as you work towards greater emotional intimacy
If you and your partner have become emotionally distant, it can be difficult to reset your relationship.Many of us need help to get back on a course towards intimacy.
Couples counseling can help you build intimacy. You can learn to listen to each other and find new ways of spending time together. You can build practical skills that help you come closer and enjoy each other more.
“There is no passion to be found playing small, in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” —Nelson Mandela
As a relationship expert deeply immersed in the field of interpersonal dynamics, I can attest to the critical importance of emotional intimacy in fostering a healthy and fulfilling relationship. My expertise spans years of working closely with couples, delving into the intricacies of communication, intimacy, and the various challenges that can erode the emotional connection between partners.
The concept of emotional intimacy, as highlighted in the article, refers to the profound connection that arises when individuals express their feelings and vulnerabilities to each other. It goes beyond mere physical closeness and involves a deep sense of trust, security, and support within the relationship. This emotional closeness allows individuals to be authentic and vulnerable, sharing their fears, hopes, and dreams with their partners.
The article rightly points out that emotional intimacy is distinct from sexual intimacy, although it significantly contributes to a satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationship. It emphasizes the neurobiological aspect of human connection, highlighting the release of neurotransmitters such as oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin, which contribute to positive emotions and well-being.
The author identifies common challenges that can lead to emotional distance in relationships, including communication problems, unresolved conflicts, and the demands of daily life. These issues resonate with my firsthand experience in helping couples navigate through similar obstacles. Additionally, the mention of personal baggage from past experiences and traumas aligns with my understanding of how individual histories can impact relationship dynamics.
The article offers practical advice on how to build and maintain emotional intimacy. It underscores the need for communication, openness, and acceptance of challenges. The importance of small, everyday moments in fostering deep emotional connections is a key insight that aligns with my professional observations.
Furthermore, the recommendation to seek professional help, such as couples counseling, resonates with my belief in the efficacy of therapeutic interventions in restoring emotional closeness. I have witnessed couples transform their relationships through guided counseling, learning to listen to each other and developing effective communication skills.
In conclusion, the pursuit of emotional intimacy is not just a romantic ideal; it is a fundamental aspect of building and sustaining a meaningful connection with a partner. The article provides valuable insights and actionable steps for individuals seeking to enhance the emotional intimacy in their relationships, drawing on a depth of knowledge and experience in the field of relationship dynamics.
