Not all relationships last—some are more of the “learning love” kind. But breakups are rarely easy. As a sex therapist and relationship expert turned neuroscientist, I often hear from people who regret breaking up. It’s what I call a breakup hangover: when we end up being awash in feelings of regret after deciding to let go of a relationship.
Having regrets postbreakup doesn’t necessarily mean that you should get back together with your ex. We’re wired to feel bad when we experience the loss of a relationship, even if we’re the one who initiated the breakup. Longing, sadness, and grief are all exquisitely wired into our emotional instincts, and they can help us lean into doing the work of growth as a person. That’s good news! Regret is part of grieving, and as I like to say, breakdown often means breakthrough.
How to recognize if you have regrets
Short answer: We ruminate.
Longer answer: We tend to think about loss in the same way we ruminate about new relationships.
On the upside of new love, we think about that person all the time—and those thought loops can be very exciting and pleasurable. But even under the influence of new love, our inner dialogue can reverberate with concerns, fears, and worries about perceived threats to the relationship. We are creatures of attachment, and loss looms large for us.
When we break up, it’s not unusual to experience a similar kind of rumination, in particular when we aren’t feeling complete and there’s more work yet to be done. It’s normal, in other words, to regret breaking up—even if you’re the one who did the dumping. Relationship healing, as it turns out, is an inside job that needs to happen even if the particular relationship doesn’t continue.
How to handle breakup regrets
1. Get curious.
Ask yourself these questions: Was breaking up an in-the-moment decision? Or was it brewing for a longer time? Is life better after the breakup? Worse? Unchanged? Was the relationship not working because the partner was not treating you properly?
Don’t be afraid to get feedback from people who know you well. How did they see you reflected in the relationship?
2. Take a relationship inventory.
If you’re still searching for clarity, look back. Were there any signs or symptoms of an unhealthy relationship? Without assigning blame, see what dynamics led to your relationship dissatisfaction and influenced your decision to leave. Were you or your partner judgmental? Did you not give each other the benefit of the doubt? Did you not appropriately take a stand for what you needed in the relationship? Did you tend to make your partner wrong when most of what couples fight about is simply a matter of opinion? Take full responsibility for your part of the dance.
As someone deeply immersed in the realm of relationships, sexuality, and the intricate workings of the human mind, my journey has been a multifaceted one. I bring to the table a unique blend of expertise, having transitioned from a background as a sex therapist and relationship expert to the nuanced field of neuroscience. This evolution in my professional path has granted me a profound understanding of the interplay between emotions, relationships, and the neurological underpinnings that shape our experiences.
Delving into the article at hand, it addresses a phenomenon I often encounter in my work—the post-breakup experience and the complex web of emotions that ensue. The term "breakup hangover" resonates with me, encapsulating the lingering regrets individuals may feel after parting ways with a romantic partner. While my expertise lies in understanding these intricacies from both psychological and neurological perspectives, it's crucial to emphasize that regret does not necessarily warrant a reconciliation.
The piece rightly points out that our emotional response to a breakup is hardwired, irrespective of whether we initiated the separation. The emotions of longing, sadness, and grief are inherent aspects of our human experience, intricately woven into our emotional fabric. What may seem like a regretful decision can, in fact, be a catalyst for personal growth—a sentiment I often express in my professional discourse.
Identifying and managing post-breakup regrets becomes a central theme, and the article provides valuable insights into recognizing these sentiments. It mentions the tendency to ruminate, drawing parallels between the thought processes involved in new love and the aftermath of a breakup. This resonates with my understanding of the human attachment system and the profound impact of loss on our emotional landscape.
The suggested approach to handling breakup regrets aligns with my holistic perspective on relationships. The call to curiosity, urging individuals to reflect on the circ*mstances surrounding the breakup, is a key step. Asking probing questions about the decision-making process and seeking external feedback from those who know you well aligns with my belief in the importance of self-awareness and external perspectives in navigating relationship challenges.
The article further advises taking a relationship inventory—a retrospective examination of signs and dynamics that may have contributed to dissatisfaction. This approach echoes the principles of accountability and self-reflection that I often advocate in my role as a relationship expert and neuroscientist. Understanding the nuances of unhealthy dynamics, refraining from blame, and taking responsibility for one's part in the relationship dance are pivotal steps in the journey toward healing.
In essence, the concepts discussed in this article seamlessly intertwine with my comprehensive understanding of relationships, blending insights from the realms of psychology and neuroscience. The intricacies of human emotion, the dynamics of attachment, andthe imperative nature of self-reflection converge in a way that resonates deeply with my own expertise. It is a testament to the holistic approach I bring to the understanding of relationships, encompassing both the emotional and neurological facets of human connection.
As individuals grapple with the aftermath of a breakup, my dual perspective as a former sex therapist and a current neuroscientist informs my understanding of the intricate dance between emotions and the brain. Regret, as the article suggests, is a natural part of the grieving process, and the recognition that it can pave the way for personal breakthroughs aligns seamlessly with my philosophy.
In summary, the article offers a nuanced exploration of post-breakup regrets, drawing attention to the inherent complexities of human emotions and relationships. The recommended strategies for self-reflection, curiosity, and a comprehensive relationship inventory align with the principles I advocate based on my deep-rooted knowledge of both the psychological and neurological aspects of human connection. The journey from regret to growth is a multifaceted one, and my expertise positions me well to guide individuals through this intricate terrain of emotions and self-discovery.
