There’s no doubt about it — breakups are excruciating. Whether you were blindsided, saw it coming, or were the one to end it, the situation isn’t easy on anyone involved. Throw in a society reliant on technology and social media, and it’s almost impossible to move on and heal.
This is why there’s really only one effective solution to a breakup: the power of silence. Think about what typically happens after breaking up with someone. You might post about it on Facebook, drink too much and send an emotional text, or investigate your ex’s Instagram followers to see if there’s anyone new to worry about. It’s exhausting! (Not to mention, unhealthy and emotionally draining.)
Instead of torturing yourself after a breakup, the most important thing you can do is be silent — and we’re talking radio silence! You’ve probably heard the term ghosting, which refers to someone abruptly cutting off all contact with someone they are dating. This is the mindset you need to channel! Think of it as “ex-ghosting.” Instead of ending communication with someone you’re dating, you’re ending it with someone you broke up with. It’s the only way to help yourself in the long run.
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Why The Power of Silence is So Important
When you take a step back after a breakup, you’re able to really reflect on what happened and what went wrong. Instead of continuing to talk with your ex — which is bound to cause even more heartache — you’re giving yourself time to get your head right. This way, if you decide to reopen communication, you’ll have a level head and a better grasp on the situation.
Staying silent can also help you feel empowered. You’re taking charge and showing your ex that you’re capable of and willing to live life without them. Whether you’re the one who was hurt or the one who ended it, cutting off communication after a breakup puts you in control. It sends a clear message that you won’t allow the breakup to take hold of your life, giving you a chance to find perspective and heal.
Lastly, whether you want to get back with your ex or not, the power of silence is guaranteed to make them miss you! As counterintuitive as it sounds, if you want to get back together, you have to act like you don’t. When you’re not texting, pleading, or begging for a reunion, they will wonder what you’re doing and whether you have moved on. Once they start to miss you more than they can bear, they will be the one to reach out.
Bottom line? Staying silent after a breakup, as hard as it can be, is the only way to let yourself reflect and recover from heartache. On the other hand, if you’re the one that ended the relationship, it’s only fair for you to cut off all contact with the person you hurt. If you truly do not want to be with them, continuing contact will only drag out the heartache and cause unnecessary pain.
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Tips for Using the Power of Silence
If you’re going through a breakup and desperately want to embrace the power of silence, we have some tips to help get you through it:
1. Erase Them From Your Phone
It’s so tempting to text or call an ex after a breakup, so the best thing to do is delete them from your phone. Sure, you might have their number memorized, but it makes it that much harder to contact them! (Especially when you’re drinking.) If you’re making the conscious effort of typing in their phone number, it should give you enough time to realize you’re making a mistake.
2. Block Them on Social Media
Easier said than done, but part of going full no-contact means swiping them from your social media. Don’t just unfriend them — block them. The worst thing you can do after a breakup is stalk their posts, friends, or activity online. All it does is worsen your heartache and, quite possibly, expose you to things you don’t want to see (like a new partner). Getting rid of any online trace of your ex helps keep you from fueling the emotional fire.
3. Write Down Your Feelings (Instead of Texting Them)
You’re bound to have a ton of mixed emotions after a breakup, but sending them all to your ex only causes more problems. Journaling is a great way to help process your feelings! When you bottle them up, it’s hard not to let them out in one way or another, so try putting pen to paper instead of further complicating things with your ex.
4. Avoid Places They Hang Out
It’s a play right out of the heartbreak handbook — “accidentally” running into your ex in public. We all know it wasn’t an accident (and your ex does too). Since you used to be a couple, you’re both very familiar with where each other hangs out. As tempting as it can be to “bump into them” when you’re feeling lonely, all it leads to is an uncomfortable encounter for you and everyone around you.
5. Resist the Urge to Reach Out to Their Friends
Let’s be honest — the real reason you reach out to your ex’s friends is so that they will find out you did! There is absolutely no need to contact your ex’s friends for any reason (unless they are mutual, which can be tricky). Your ex’s friends are not going to give you any information, and if anything, they might take your contact as an act of desperation.
6. Be Honest with Yourself
Use the power of silence to really focus inward and realize the truth of the situation. If you were the one who was hurt, do you really want to beg for someone who doesn’t want you in their life? What do you gain from reaching out, aside from personal anguish? If you were the person who broke it off, what is your motivation to keep the communication open? Isn't it only fair to allow them time to move on?
By coming to terms with the gravity of the situation, you can start to heal. A one-sided love affair rarely works out, and you don’t want to force someone to be with you after they end the relationship. By harnessing the power of silence, you’re creating the distance needed to clear your mind, focus on yourself, and come to the realization that you are worthy of so much better.
There is no easy way to deal with a breakup, but remaining silent actually speaks volumes to your ex. After all, actions speak louder than words! By staying silent, you’re telling your ex that you’re strong, resilient, and independent. You’re relying on yourself — and no one else — for your own happiness.
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By Caitlin Killoren on Nov 16, 2021
With a degree in Psychology and over a decade of experience, Caitlin has made improving people's relationships both her career and her passion. Her work has been featured in publications like Bustle, Well + Good, and Goalcast, and she currently resides in Austin, Texas with her husband and giant fluffy dog, Remy.
